I love This Song ... Bones ~ Melanie Fiona

 You make my heart hurt, you my love burn You make the cuts down, you make my world turn But words mean nothing, cause I've abuse them oh, oh, oh And you're touching the surface when I need infusion

Oh, oh, oh [Chorus:] Straight through your skin, Pass your soul to your bones Closer, longer, deeper Further inside you, than you've ever known Desperately trying to feel ya Ooh, Ooh, Ooh I need your bones Ooh, Ooh, Ooh Gimmie, gimmie, gimmie your bones!

I wanna own you, I wanna consume you Get all molecular and pass myself through you! Hey, baby! Cause nothing's enough, and I'm slowly dying Oh, oh, oh So please, save me now, you gotta keep trying, Oh, you gotta keep trying [Chorus:] Straight through your skin, Pass your soul to your bones Closer, longer, deeper Further inside you, than you've ever known Desperately trying to feel ya Ooh, Ooh, Ooh I need your bones Ooh, Ooh, Ooh Gimmie, gimmie, gimmie your bones! I passed your liver and your kidneys and your lungs. Closer, deeper. Cause I wanna get lost in, mixed-up in, in you Yeah, yeah, yeah! [Chorus:] Yeah, straight through your skin, Pass your soul to your bones Closer, longer, deeper Further inside you, than you've ever known Desperately trying to feel ya Ooh, Ooh, Ooh I need your bones Ooh, Ooh, Ooh Gimmie, gimmie, gimmie your bones!

Uncut/unfinished saved Draft from 12/17/13 .. Bleh blah

I thinks about all the lost writings

that got lost over the years ..
I still get emotional talking about it, because I "believed" that those writings, memories , etc ..
I "believed" they were "Lost" forever..

But that is bullshit ..
I just realized this now ..
I even punished myself by purposely not writing at different periods of my life just because it angered me at the "thought" of all those things that I once had, we're forever gone ..

I became "Madd" ...

 ( that's as far as I will go with that thought process on here ) lol but yea anyway that's all bullshit anyway ..
Everything I've ever written or created is fkn mine ...

So on that note (I am trying not 2 pay attention to commas & such  as I write this uncut shit .. But it's fkn driving me crazy ..

So I purposely put shit in the wrong place .. & I swear it drives a part of me crazy..

But I shut out that noise immediately.. But it's still there lol .. ) I'm kind of feeling irritable at this very moment (not irritable in the sense of taking it out on others .. Cause I def don't do that .. But I keep away from all .. Because people can annoy me at times ..

But deep down I know it's not them ..
It's me .. So since I know this .. I just keep away ..

Silence ..
I always need that ..

And I am grateful to be blessed to have that "moment to myself" at least almost everyday ..

But these last 2 days uh-uh .. I've been surrounded .. Not left alone .. & I'm pretty sensitive to energies around me .. & you know I can't keep my bubble on forever .. lol after all I am still only "human!"

What is human ??
So not fkn going there tonight ...

Haha..
L.a.L <~~~ I really love that saying  .. My sis made it up .. Or at least she thinks she did .. & by her believing I never once doubted her .. She's pretty clever & I find her absolutely hysterical. It's always been her & I

. ALWAYS!! That's priceless!!!

Although I still will never  understand how in the world people "claim" words, phrases, sentences .. Like are u fkn kidding me .. Thoughts have energy in them (science proves that .. (At least i think they do .. )

oh boii another distraction .. lol what the fk is it with us... Me .. You..

Momentary distraction... ha!

 Yes what is up with "We" people wanting to "know" shit like "craving monsters" searching .. Looking ... Hunting ..& believe  you , me .. That's cool .. I think that zest for knowledge

in whatever interest you is fkn BEAUTIFUL..  

But the problem that exist all around us .. The more "dominating" energy force .. It's on a major negative .. Like negative shouldn't even be the word to describe it (although it's still negative ) but it's "darker" than that .. many people want to "know" all the wrong shit .. Things that do not even really matter .things to me that just never made any sense .. . & you have the vast majority making themselves miserable over the "nonsense" of "knowledge" &"things" they "hunt" for ...&

Now leave me alone !! lol 

Omg but b4 I go rambling on about God knows what lol the point I was trying to make before all this rambling .. Was.. Is.. Everything I ever written or created in (yup I went bk up to re~read because even I forgot what I was fkn talking about .. lol I didn't forget .. But then there would of been just another "empty space" above .. And Lord knows now how extremely conscientious of everything I'm sending out into this very funny Universe

.. So for Universe sake &; all it's funny little dynamics .. I "choose" to "intentionally" fill in that "empty space" &; retrieve (receive)  all that is mine !!

Blah bleh meh.. Still haven't said it lol I too... Can be annoying .. I think .. Well anyways we are all individuals with are own "preferences" ... Anyways, I am setting a major Intention here ... I recall & desire to get back all that was lost ...

Because it's fkn Mine.. Duh!! (And that's not ego talking either lol .. It's just simple truth .. Created by me!

dreaMer

I would not come between a person & their dreams .. Especially when they mean the world to me .. I would happily step aside and watch them dance ..

And be so proud and filled with Love as their Passions ignite my Life..

My Love is their protection ..

My LoVe is their protection...

Woke up with Mum on my mind ..

I know if I listen ..
If I really really listen ..
I would be able to hear her ...
But I still can't help but wish she were still around
Because it would be so much simpler to just lay it all out for expressively and lively ..
Where she could see Me, and everything my expressions bring to the surface.
She was the closest thing I had to a best friend
It was she who taught me how to Love
Everything about her, I absolutely LoveD
Her voice
Her hair
Her style
Her attitude
Her Sex appeal
Her kindness
Her Love for both my sister & me
Her passion her devotion
You name it I loved it
I was her biggest Fan

I can't help but cry as I write this, because that is how deep my ocean of love still exist for her till this day ..
I know it is the holidays & I should be all cheerful, jolly & woohoo excited.


Yea yea I will be those things ..
But right now I am alone with myself & I am allowed to do and feel however I want ..

And I woke up with my mother on my mind ...
Not on purpose either ..
& I shouldn't need a reason to think of her anyway.. Too many a time more so often then not she is the one who gets swept under my carpet of realities that no longer bear any fruit .. (She will always be my root grower ) but you know .. Out of sight out of mind (so to speak )

This year was a big "Mommy" year ..
I say big because for the 1st time I was not alone ..
This year was the year of the Sisters & we had questions ..
Many many many questions ..
& just like that ..
The Flood gates were opened ...

We still block ..
Her
I still block ..
Her
I know that I shouldn't
This November made 22 years since she has left this earthly dimension
And 22 years "seems" like forever
But isn't LOVE .. Real LOVE .. UnConditional LOVE..
Well isn't that Something that Last Forever ?!?
Whether it be in this realm or the next ..
At least that is the way I see it ..
They say nothing last forever ..
I say wow aren't You cold in there ??
NOTHING ??
Well fk I had it all wrong then if that is the case ..
Cause I could of sworn LOVE is FOREVER ..
Real LoVe anyway ..
& I LOOOVVEEE my mom ..
I always have & I always will ..
In this lifetime & any lifetime ..
Because there is nothing not a damn thing that could ever destroy that truth ... LOVE transcends any logical understanding of things ..
LOVE most of the time doesn't make any sense ..
people always ask me how do you know Love .. How do you know When it is love .. How do you know it is real..
And my answer always remained the same .. It's crazy too cause I believe I have been saying this since omg probably before I even turned 13.. But hey what does a child know anyway ...
What could a child know about Love ..
But ohh believe YoU, me ..
Children UNDERSTAND & KNOW love better than fkn adults (especially in this day & age) somewhere along the lines of growth .. Many forget their hearts & the depth & the meaning of unconditional when it concerns Love.
But when people would ask me about Love and how I knew when it was real .. I would say because You Feel it .. And it doesn't matter whether that person is here in YoUr life one moment & gone the next ... when YoU love, LOVE never leaves YoU.. Time will always reveal if YoU truly LOVE in the way you once first believed YoU loved .. But what is time .. ?!?

And for me this statement alone proved right for me in my world .. Taught me the difference & the truth behind those words I so often found myself having to express. Showing me that Love is not always forever ... Which of course only intrigued me to dig deeper as to how and why was that possible... Which ultimately led me to the conclusion that if you find that Love no longer exists for something or someone as you once previously believed ... Well then maybe ... Just maybe it was never LoVe 2 begin with....

But as I said Time will be the true revealer of all these things .. All we have is time anyway .. What is time ?!??
Time is the imaginary clock that we all watch and believe is ticking away .. Well the same concept can be applied to the imagery of love ...
This imaginary clock tick ticking away...
And it's limitless .. Endless ... Magical

She was my first introduction into Magic ..
Making me an Extreme Believer ..
Telling me that anything and everything I ever Dream possible would be mine as long as I really Believed and Dreamed and Tried ...

I really believed her when she said she was a genie. For me it made sense and even explained her name Jeannie ..

I loved that genie looking bottle she had on top of the fireplace mantel

.. I wanted her to take me inside it with her , she always promised me one day. ...

Well anyway ..
Going deeper always makes me want to run and hide ..
So
I must end this entry before I end up keeping it only as a draft in this blog ...

I woke up missing my Mom today.
I woke up wanting to tell her all of my Dreams ...
I woke up wanting her to tell me that anything and everything is in fact possible ...
I woke up wanting her to just hold me and Love me the way I would hold and Love her .... I just wanted my mom this morning ...

So on that note ..
blessings to you All..
May you be surrounded by Love ..
Unconditional Love and Acceptance..
And may you Cherish those Around You whom love, support , guide and Accept You for everything that you are ..
love is always the Key
Love sets US free..

Happy Holidays

YoU

YoU inspire me
YOu motivate me
YoU are my invisible button Pusher
I absolutely ADore YOU
THank you for Always Being there
Whispering to me the things I ought to know
So very very wise
Handsome & Divine
You will AlWays be the One that I want

I am Compelled...
Where should I send
My Dreams I leave them in YOUr hands
Protect YoUr Heart

draft unfinished .. written 12/22/13

I lived my entire life in fear.
not Allowing myself to experience anything genuinely real.

Cry

It's ok to cry