I know if I listen...
If I truly, deeply listen...
I would be able to hear her.
Yet, I can't help but wish she were still here,
For it would be so much simpler to just lay it all out expressively and vividly,
Where she could see me, and witness the emotions my expressions reveal.
She was the closest thing I had to a best friend.
She taught me how to love.
I adored everything about her—
Her voice,
Her hair,
Her style,
Her attitude,
Her sex appeal,
Her kindness,
Her love for both my sister and me,
Her passion, her devotion—
You name it, I loved it.
I was her biggest fan.
I can't help but cry as I write this,
For my ocean of love for her still exists, vast and deep, to this very day.
I know it's the holidays, and I should be all cheerful, jolly, and exuberantly excited.
Yes, I will be those things...
But right now, I am alone with myself, and I am allowed to feel however I want.
And I woke up with my mother on my mind, not on purpose either.
And I shouldn't need a reason to think of her anyway.
Too often, she is the one who gets swept under my carpet of realities that no longer bear any fruit—she will always be my root grower—but you know, out of sight, out of mind (so to speak).
This year was a big "Mommy" year.
I say big because, for the first time, I was not alone.
This year was the year of the Sisters, and we had questions...
Many, many, many questions.
And just like that...
The floodgates were opened...
We still block her.
I still block her.
I know that I shouldn't.
This November marked 22 years since she left this earthly dimension.
And 22 years "seems" like forever, but isn't love—real love, unconditional love—
Well, isn't that something that lasts forever?
Whether in this realm or the next,
At least that is the way I see it.
They say nothing lasts forever.
I say, wow, aren't you cold in there?
NOTHING??
Well, f**k, I had it all wrong then if that is the case.
Because I could have sworn LOVE is FOREVER.
Real love, anyway.
And I LOVE my mom.
I always have, and I always will,
In this lifetime and any lifetime,
Because there is nothing, not a damn thing, that could ever destroy that truth...
LOVE transcends any logical understanding of things.
LOVE, most of the time, doesn't make any sense.
People always ask me how you know love, how you know when it is love, how you know it is real.
And my answer has always remained the same.
It's crazy too because I believe I have been saying this since, oh my god, probably before I even turned 13.
But hey, what does a child know anyway...
What could a child know about love...
But oh, believe me,
Children UNDERSTAND & KNOW love better than f**king adults (especially in this day and age).
Somewhere along the lines of growth, many forget their hearts and the depth and meaning of unconditional when it concerns love.
But when people ask me about love and how I knew when it was real, I would say because you feel it.
And it doesn't matter whether that person is here in your life one moment and gone the next...
When you love, LOVE never leaves you.
Time will always reveal if you truly love in the way you once first believed you loved.
But what is time...?
And for me, this statement alone proved right for me in my world.
It taught me the difference and the truth behind those words I so often found myself having to express.
Showing me that love is not always forever...
Which, of course, only intrigued me to dig deeper as to how and why that was possible...
Which ultimately led me to the conclusion that if you find that love no longer exists for something or someone as you once previously believed...
Well then, maybe... Just maybe it was never love to begin with...
But as I said, time will be the true revealer of all these things.
All we have is time anyway.
What is time?
Time is the imaginary clock that we all watch and believe is ticking away.
Well, the same concept can be applied to the imagery of love...
This imaginary clock, tick-ticking away...
And it's limitless, endless, magical.
She was my first introduction to magic,
Making me an extreme believer
Happy Holidays
