Stay

Stay..
Because every part of you wants it ...

Baby steps

As I look at some of my older writings I still find it hard  to share .. Although that part of my life is history .. It still existed....

Not sure how long till I break & just share
One piece of the puzzle ...

Baby steps luv
Baby steps

Punishment Update

For those curious as to how my
Punishment against myself went... well you will be happy to hear that for the most part I stuck to my end of the bargain with  no "happy" distractions.. I did get what needed to be done, done a lot faster.

There has been no mood shift o'horror ...

And that concludes my story ..
As 1 of my tattoos states ..

Where there's a will there's a way!!!

Believe in all things , & that means believe in yourself too!!!

Namaste
& thank you for your time in this most enchanting space of mine <3 p="">





I know boring rant ..
But u know what ..

My shit got done !!! :))

Yay!!!

Uncut chant - perfect mother..

Written last night ..
October 15, 2013

I don't know what it means to be the perfect mother .. And the last thing I would hate to do is sit around & compare myself with other mothers.. Other single mothers.. & weigh myself in ... Cause if I did that shit the load will be a super over load & trust me, that is the last thing a child needs.. Or I need !

I know there are times where I reflect hard as to the way that I raise my daughter & the relationship we continue to build on & as any relationship there are strengths as well as weaknesses.

I get emotional writing this ... Because lord knows I truly Love my kid .. I've been blessed with such an amazing force of character & beauty in my daughter .. Ha ! Tough as she may be, she's my heart & soul.

As any 12 year old .. Well not all, because I've seen some pretty well behaved kids in my time, who seem to have embodied the perfect genetic code of "perfect child."

Hold on.. Momentary distraction making small talk with my neighbor.. Yea i do those things from time to time lol

He was telling me 1 of my friends was very attractive .. I said all of my friends are very attractive .. He tried describing her but the description fit any one of them ... So I wonder who he was referring to .. But anyway that is neither here nor there ..

Children .. Yes sweet little innocent devils .. Haha just kidding .. Or  am I ?? Cause I am a firm believer of all jokes being 1/2 truths..

I have my moments where i look at my daughter & all I want to do is choke her .. But she knows for the most part I have raised her without (too much hitting ) can't say I've never tugged or pulled at her hair or quickly popped her in the mouth ..  As I said I am not perfect .. Those moments very rare but they certainly have transpired .. Believe me it was truly deserved .. But still I never feel good about it .. & it always ends with an apology.. Because honestly there is no reason to ever lose self control , especially when it is concerning your children.

There are no excuses

They are children.

And it is you who has to show them the way .. And the only way is through love ...
And there is no violence in love ...

I never intended to be a single mother , fk I never intended on being a mother , shit I never intended on having a boyfriend .. lol the list could go on and on .. But unimportant .. Only thing that matters is that I am ...

I have been blessed with a wonderful family, who have been continuously a constant most loyal support system.. Not that this makes raising a kid on ur own any easier .. Because I've always been independent & as much as I love my family doesn't mean I want to live with all of them either ... So of course single parenting responsibly means that u bust ur a$$!

In this Arena as well I must be absolutely grateful for always being fortunate & blessed to go after everything i strived for head on .. And getting exactly what I desired ... For all those different moments & paths chosen with  all my varied adventurous career paths and jobs, i certainly learned a lot !! lol

They have all taught me many wonderful things that I carry with me each & every day :))

1 of my biggest struggles with being a single mom is discipline. She's my soft spot, so therefore she gets away with a lot more than she should. It's not that she's a bad kid cause she most certainly is not .. But I kind of encouraged freedom of speech and expression (& that turned out to be a double edge sword ) so while yes we may have wonderful & certainly precious open communication.. Believe me when I say this , that too comes with a price lol

Most of the time I just want to smack her ..

Lol so I laugh ..

She's lucky that I carry with me such high patience & complete understanding ... & I cherish my special gift of true friendship with my daughter, and now I'm just working on executing my authority to the fullest extent.. But of course with LOVE!!

So I shall sip on some happy juice till her happy attitude kicks in ... Lol

Astrologically, my daughter is my polar opposite ...

It's like Princess Diana meeting Negative Nancy ...

That would be an interesting conversation ...

Raising a kid who naturally carries with her a pessimistic attitude is tough .. You would think everything I've accomplished in front of her would be testimony enough that being positive & exuding a good energy can take you everywhere you desire to be .. & not that she's not positive it's just her perspective on the positive ... I mean I'm not trying to change her, I love who she is , she's fkn funny as hell, but I just want to open her world a little bit more & really look at it as if she were viewing it from the sky & moving every piece in her life   as pawn in a chess game.

Anyway ...

That's all for now ..

Just sharing some uncut chants/rants

Maybe these chants/rants  serve some purpose ...

Who knows ??

Thank you for ur precious time in reading this blog to its final last line ...

You are fkn awesome !!!!

peace out <3 p="">

Uncut rant ~ Punished !

Focused energy is the key for me today..
My mind has not been here .. It has been there ..
And although i still believe in there, I must focus on here...

Well at least for this moment ...

So, I must be punished ..

I know what my punishment is..
Will I share it ?? No!
It quite frankly is  none of ur business lol (I write this as polite as possible ) :D
Will I stick to it (for today only ) hmm...
Will let you know later ...

I am being intentional here guys ...
Sometimes it takes extreme focus ..
Dedication ..
Will Power ..
U know all the shit I talk about lol

What needs to be done today, I have procrastinated on for like 1-1/2 weeks ... For good reason yea yea but I know (because I know me ) this thing in which I've procrastinated on could of been done long long time ago ... & now because of what I sowed into existence I find my vibrational energy shifting into mood swing o'horror... So before that continues ..

I'm punished .

Even this blog .. The one I am writing at this very moment..
Yup, this too here Is another small procrastination too .. Lol
It's silly of me to believe  that i can honestly deceive myself into  not knowing y this uncut rant is really taking place lol

I always know what I am doing (I think )

But anyways ...
You see guys ..
Moral of this story is ..
I do practice what I preach ...

It's not perfectness we strive for ..

It's wholeness.. It's peace ... It's nourishment ..

Whatever those things mean for you ...

And sometimes it just takes self discipline to get there ...

We all procrastinate from time to time

On big things .. Small things ... GiNormous things ...

And all these things whether big or small (but somehow important in some way to us ) well these things are like all things .. In which there is an action & reaction...

There's choices & there's consequences for those choices .. Good / bad. / fair / unfair

And the ripple effect of our procrastinations, no matter how big or little in size ...
Well it infects us, therefore affecting us in the things we do or the way we feel ..... And sometimes what it may  appear so damn  inconspicuously that we lose sight of its original origin.... U know that it is "I" who created whatever that's now standing before me...

Just think about it ...

All those minor nuances in our lives.. Are they really that ????

Hmm... I wonder !!!

So just get whatever it is that you must do .. done !!!

Bigger picture !!

And fkn smile about it too ..
You are in control of that smile on your face & what makes it go cheeeesseeee!!! Lol

And if you can't get into that good spirit .. Well practice humming ... And keep freakin humming ..

Silence that sometimes filthy mind ...

Hum hum hum hum hummmmm.....

Anyways if you read all this shit .. Why thank you !! But I truly need to go now ... I'm punished for today .. Lol

That means not doing anything I might enjoy ...

Have an awesome fkn day ..

As I too will !!!

Namaste

Rambling

Feels like cold feet ...

With thoughts of going deeper ...

Uncut rant - train rides

I will share excerpts ...
Pieces ..
Fragments ..
Of everything believed to be true,
At least what was made real for me at those moments ...
History
Mystery
Intrigue
A maze that is all  revealing..
To whom?
Now that is the right question !!!