My So Called Life !! Uncut

My so called life , this so called life .. Everything in it .. That was when I first "saw" .. You know my life .. It was strange then too .. Like I didn't even know what was
Going on & here, just a confused sad child

 So compelled to watch my so called life ... But from the sidelines.

Always Not knowing what was
Going on .. But feeling like something was ..
feeling compelled yet either way to watch my so called life, without any interruptions  ..

Not knowing the people in my so called life , not even knowing who I was ,  & what part this all played. I continued on with my so called life , and always for whatever reason was reminded always in the back of mind that there was so much more that I was missing.

 All my life I shared my so called life & no one ever knew what I talking about, or who I was speaking of .. So my so called life, just like everything "Right" with this world was thrown into the back burner.

 But still always there..
Lingering .. tingling  ..

Making absolutely 0 sense ..

Nada ..

Convincing myself that i lived in a world of Optical illusions ...

But Memory never allowing me to forget!!

A couple of years before my 30th birthday I connected hard body and soul with music. I connected with music at just the right time, when I needed this music in my life. Where I needed to feel something!!!
 For music has always been a part of my life, my world ,  my journey

but The spiraling abyss of my so called life became conflicted. loving what was only natural for me  & denying it just the same ...

It was the denial that took its hold over my so called life & taught me "stagnation"

Music & its significance in my world helped me to Realize a most important "priceless" thing ..

 that this life ..
My so called life .. Was NOT..
My So called life !!!

So upon finding these symphony's, that reached out to my spirit ... Penetrated into every part of my being ...

I slowly but surely ..  without realizing.. started to come alive

& ask my most favorite question in the world ....

WHY??!!!

 My heart was being moved ... (Where / why ? ) Changing .. I was changing (why??!!)  ... Growing .. I was growing .. (Why ?? How ???)

What does this all mean ???

And why ??!!


Growth
Change
Life

What did this all mean ... For me ?!!??

Who are you ?!!?!

Who are you began the quest .. 

The search ..

I realizing many many many (many!)NEW but  different (but not so different) things.

I came to Life.. 

My so called life ..
Checking in ..
And still unfortunately checking out whenever my so called life became too much for me to handle. 

How the tides have changed ..
(Wonderfully so. )

At that time I was Still unaware of the hidden dynamics of what this  discovery with music truly meant, cause still I didn't put a face/picture/answer to what or why or how  the music was connected to me or even what it was slowly  teaching me, guiding me , showing me ...

I just went with the flow..


 I, naturally as time progressed for the first time EVER went Inside..

Inside Me ... and so began Alice's journey into Wonderland.

My journey ..
Our journey ..
For we are all connected ..
We are one ..

  Music being the master Key into my life,  opening the very doors I sealed shut ..

Allowing me to search for me ..

And find my looking glass ..

Reflections ..
Alice always said mirrors ran deep ..

She knew something ..
She just didn't allow herself to see, or BELIEVE

All of this discovery Years in the making so to speak ...

Music taught Alice & I
To Breathe ....

How to become
One !!

Music also taught me how to be free &  accepting of me.. And everything i am ....

Music opened the doors to questions ..
And answers ..
To only be met with more questions ..
But also more answers ..
And that's how that  story goes..


This journey .. The one  of my so called
Life ..

Music unleashed in me the Dancer within

..
She's free!!! I'm free!!! no longer  looking for   new ways  of concealing her or me ..

we stare at our  reflections now ..

And LOVE who we see !!!

ME
HER
YOU
ME
THE WORLD..




 finally understanding  and knowing  how to love ..

UNCONDITIONALLY

Music taught me how to Live & let live.

Music awakened in me ..

LIFE!! And life therefore introduced me to

LOVE!!

And on that note ..
I am Blessed ..


THANK YOU !!!

Passion of Christ - Uncut

Passion of Christ movie sooo hard for me to watch this movie .. Hurts my heart .. But I watch it anyway .. (Not now but in the past & periodically whenever I feel moved to watch it )  Hysterically crying pretty much thruOut entire movie ..

It's so painful .. I'm like in there .. In that movie .. Feeling every fkn emotion ... But you wouldn't believe which character I always associated 

Myself (weird) & now my favorite question (why?)   aside from my extreme connection/devotion to the portrayal of Jesus ( whom I adore )

. There was one other that stood out .. As if I was she .. And she was me .. It's crazy

I'm

Going to look into this.. 

Oh shit I should also post my drafts on here ..

But not yet .. Lol 

Uncut Cut Alice

The only thing that links us in this realm of existence, I must let go!!

Last time I did just that &
It was so very hard for me , I even called myself ridiculous. But in doing so it allowed me to Live. I lived & I found many many things.. So for that I am eternally grateful! It didn't change the dynamics , and it even disproved the notion of "out of sight out of mind" cause that saying is bogus too...

But it did bring out the best in me ...

And as i continue to grow & manifest all beauty in my world .. And look to your inspiration in being able to do the same, I admire & honor that trait in you.. Cool shit !  I feel insane !!

But my path has emerged either way ... And again .. Grateful !! For I finally See the light .. My light !!

It's funny upon meeting I said .. I knew you from somewhere

.. Haha! Insane !! & I also said I had much to learn from You... Double shocker ( to myself ..
Cause I didn't know where that inkling came from )..

But anyways ..

That saying ..
"Destroys what destroys You"

I never appreciated that saying ..
Always viewed it as a negative ..
But it truly is not ..
I just have my own "work" to do too...

Alice rarely makes any sense ..
She talks to herself most times..
Peering thru fragments  of a broken looking glass..

Who are you ?!!!?

Now that is certainly the right question !!

For mirror images run so deep they cut her soul forcing her to let it all go..

Alice a very big part of Wonderland ..

Will one day see herself soon

Until then she's going to go in her corner and devour Alll the magical little shrooms till all the nonsense makes perfect sense 

...

FREE write

Word Play with some of life's major players...

FREE WRITE


Although, I AM, allowed to leave some things out just for myself :)

The Butterfly
The Dragonfly
The Wolf
The Horse
The Duck
The Monkey
The Dolphin
Mr. Owl
The Jaguar
The Cat
The Dog
The Elephant
The Otter (need to check this one out)
Omg yes of course the Unicorn

In crayon land Red

always belonged to Blue... & I would get mad if Pink

came around to distract... oh my the arguments I would have with ppl whenever I was explaining blue & red & their significance haha

The Pig
The Bunny

Faeries
Witches
Goblins
Spirits
Ghosts
The "knowing"
Creepy vision
Eery sounds
Voices
The drum beat
Even silence has a sound .. always said that

Swirls
Whirls

"Nobody loves me song"

Heat
Dreams
Purple
Devil
Poems
Fallen Angel
Alice
Ariel
Belle
Tinkerbell lol

Astrology
Tarot cards
Ouija boards
Crystals stones
Research !!!!!
Aliens
Vampires
Rainbow Brite
Indestructible (I think that's the name of the movie)
CALIFORNIA
volunteer
Teaching
Hospice
Missionary work
Counseling
massage
Reiki
Stimulants

Good
Bad
Karma
My mom
My SISTER

paths
Water
Astronomy
Philosophy
Art
DANCE
Acting

Castles

Fairy tales
Loner but surrounded
Foreigners
LOVE
old soul

That's it no more sharing ..
It's a W.R.A.P...

Presents come in clever disguises ...

The moon applauds ...

Dreamin Out Loud - Uncut

 Maybe it is the snow..

something about it..
yea maybe it is the snow..
this unexplainable heavy feeling saturating me with light heavy assortment of flakes..

yup maybe that is it...
You know.. the snow
taking me to this place that is all too familiar and yet still unknown 

why am I feeling this way..
my heart hurts..
this stabbing pins and needles sunken ship

I take a walk into Wonderland

Only to see the front page of the newspaper  speaking news of another tragedy and this overwhelming urge to just cry takes over once again..

As I continue on my snowy path I realize I am not alone..
As the story goes.. Apparently when I pay mind I can see.. All the "beings" surrounding me..
but this time its just the 3.. accompanying me along my path but giving me my much needed space and distance to make sense of these feelings..
what in the world is happening..

I look back and one of the wolves nod in recognition as the other two peer into my soul..
why is this normal...
I sleep disturbed

images so very clear and recognizable
I talk in my sleep.. muffled sounds..
But this snow...
Its trying to tell me something
I swear it truly does something to me..
 this place this space
this moment but not this moment but some point captured in time
 the snow takes me to charted but uncharted territories
 I am fkn losing my mind..

a place of mystical proportions
distortions
oh god I think I am making myself  sick
such wretched nausea; stomach; soul; heart; mind
where is this place the snow attempts to take me too..
what is it that I am suppose to know...
why is it that the picture remains incomplete/obsolete/intangible
A place that feels more like home then this ultimate treachery of a reality that has many a time attempted to deceive me in convincing me that this place here is called my home..

But alarmingly, and shockingly, I never once wavered in my belief ..
The higher part of me shielding me from falling in deeper to these optical illusions..
Filled with pollution ...
My soul screams...
Alice, what is wrong??? why must you cry? 

Snow Angels paved into the ground
Hope (Ful) Bliss (Ful) Soul (Ful)
I do not belong on this realm...
 home is where my heart is bound...
In this life will this place ever be found..
Dreaming Out Loud

Happy Dizzy Feet

Don't worry Be Happy
Don't worry Be HAPPY

Got this song stuck in my head..
BE HAPPY ....
Internally truly Happy ..

HAPPY
HAPPY
HAPPY

Any other feeling brewing or brewed or stuck
Give it to God..
Whomever/Whatever that may mean for you
God.. spirit.. Angels... Apes..

Mirror reflections
Till that is exactly what your breathing in...

At its fullest capacity & then magnify it ...

Don't worry Be Happy
HONOR your beautiful imperfect  Soul...