Uncut - Down the Rabbit Hole - #1

This is one of the many drafts I have had sitting here waiting to be shared with you all...

This post was originally written on March 10, 2014... that is literally a little over a year ago... My my has time really changed... I do not know .. let's see... This too will be considered uncut & raw because I have no idea what I have written here lol 

I even forgot what I was going to call these draft post here of mine.. 

DO you remember what I said I would call these draft post..

Something tells me to call them NOW, "Down the rabbit Hole"

So lets go with that for now...

So DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE we go with sharing older writing Drafts that have been sitting here waiting to be shared...

DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE # 1

"Don't let it get to that point..." The rest of the sentence is not very nice, but it is absolute truth & a favorite saying of my own that I have used & unfortunately had to eat those very words & oblige myself by keeping my bond, & my word as I remain true to me, especially in my most intimate of relationships. 

Well my most infamous "when I am in a relationship" quote that I have unfortunately been pushed to use on occasion has been an anchor of strength & support of mine. 

This phrase if said served as a warning bell that goes off immediately if spoken out loud & expressed ...

Forcing me to ask myself some serious questions about why the flowers am I even saying this line....

Blessed with being able to truly distinguish between truth & lies ... 

Cursed with the foolish belief that love could indeed transform all things ..... (People) .....

Bitter Sweet Symphony ... 

Knowing that I am naturally animated & expressive when it comes to many of my personal dealings with these types of relationships.. & I know that I am not prone to dramatics in the sense of making threats, or insulting the person I am with... 

I'm not that one ... 

Love doesn't behave that way ... 

& hurting someone else just because they are hurting you, well that's not my style either .. For that we just don't be together .. That's always been how I kinda saw it .. Simple.. Things people do to hurt one another .. Has always been nonsensical to me ... 

Not that I don't have a mouth on me...

& not that I can never be mean or insensitive lol 

(Sorry in advance) 

And not that I can't be sarcastic .. Sarcasm is in my blood .. Humor & laughter, I live & breathe. 

I have to ..

it is the faery part of me all dramatical lol

& Yes I can say spiteful things here and there .. But it's usually funny & warranted lol 

it's really not that serious .. It's really just to let the sucker air out.. We wouldn't want it to sit  & allow to manifest horror into our lives  anyway .. There's no telling where that could lead. & its better Not to let it go there anyway ... so allow the sarcasm from time to time or just don't be a douche Lol 

So this alarm bell...

Ring .. A .. Ling .. 

.... Ling ... Ling .. Ling.. 

"Don't let it get to the point where I don't give a fk anymore. Because once it gets there.. Once it's there .. There's no turning back & believe me.. It won't be me who would be sorry when all is said and done. 

I don't do backwards!!!!" 

And this quote for me is not something that I just wake up one day & just feel like saying just because .. U know ? To be some type of bitxh .. 

No.. I'm not that kind of bitxh..

I'm so different lol 

So whenever this alarm went off in my life ...

I was due for an internal inspection...

Why is this being said ?

What's going on ? 

How many times has this been said & how many times has this been thought & felt? Are you happy ? Is this fixable ? 

Blah bLEh blah blizz bloop ...

Yes ..

And I am proud to say that based off of my track record .. Not that it is high in #'s for relationships.. But my quote made for myself has helped anchor me to make wise, loving decisions for the path that I am creating for myself in my life. This affirmation to myself has helped me clearly learn & appreciate many things about myself as a person. 

Beaten & left for dead.. 

(not a joke) 

.... Tortured ....

... Shaken ....

... battered..

... bruised..

There's only so much anyone can take ....

Especially when mistreated or abused by another....

Death was

My only way out ...

(so I thought) 

I've died millions of times... 

millions I say...

torture was my life back in the day...

Clawing my way out of the dirt. 

Only to reach to  the surface & become part of the walking dead ... 

I was living yet feeling dead...

Banishing all mirrors from my existence not being able to even look at myself...

my self cries for help...

Disgust... 

So if I say this quote of mine .. I guess based

Off of the statistics it pretty much means it's already too late .. 

Cause again.. There's only so much a person can take ...

& it's really not about not giving a fuck, cause of course I give a fk ...

DuHh..

I feel it all ....

empath central am I...

taking this energetic ride for an all time high...

Do or Die..

I have died a gruesome death millions of nights..

as i laid and cried ..

feeling dead but alive..

Its not about that anymore its about loving myself more & having a relationship where each is giving & receiving & oh so in LOVE...

I want LOVE...

I AM LOVE...

I want  a healthy form of love in growing in love together ... 

To LOVE, I surrender ..

Love is ME

Love is FREE

Love me...