and you CHOOSE to actively participate
it doesn’t mean
everything all at once is made
many of the times it feels
an open receiver
when I was a little girl
I use to experience
but it wasn’t interpreted as that
I don’t believe
it was understood as that
and it definitely was not welcomed by me
at least at that time
I don’t think it was
Extremely sensitive I Always was
to ALL of my surroundings
but as a little girl
I never once questioned my sanity
everything I saw with my own two eyes
heard with my own two ears
sensed with my abilities to sense
I very much BELIEVED that paranormally everything I was experiencing was very much REAL
the Intuitive KNOWINGS of so many things interestingly enough well received by the adults in my life ...
The things I would say to adults and the things I would just know ... always well received — even if a negative Nancy of disbelief would rule out my knowing by declaring me extremely nosey- Always “listening” ...
That always “listening” — well that part they got right .. but still many of the things I openly shared without knowing any better - was never given a name ..
even the things my sister and I would both physically see ALL the time ... sharing in the experience as it would occur with one another ... and me making sure my sister wasn’t just going along with me .. tested in so many ways thruout the years to make sure that what I was seeing ... and what she claimed to be seeing too .. was actually what we were both seeing. I am 6 years older than she ... And when our mom died when she was only 3 — sisters keeper I most certainly became ... she was my first tail I grew ... not an easy thing to do ... both of us feeling like orphans .. fkd up conditioning - still we both grew ..
we made a pact too ..: I remember that day ... kind of like it was yesterday ... a brief episode of one of our many pages / moments in this life ... we were both standing in my grandmothers living room ... we were really young ... she could of been no more than 8 years old - posssibly even younger ... and I made her PROMISE to never tell ANYONE all the things that we SEE .. because if we did .. they would take us away and do experiments on US .. and I’ve always been dramatic in all my expressions ... so I went a little in on the kind of experiments ((I must of been reading psych books at the time of paranormal activities and people who have certain abilities kept against their will to conduct experiments — that or I watched a movie or show or something —- because that day .. I remember FEELING very serious about what I was making her PROMISE)) and that may have been the slow start to us both tuning it out ...
You can tune it out but you still
but what happens over time ... you become more and more desensitized to the connection that you gradually begin to daily operate and function on a different space — and this space will teach you how to ignore SO MANY THINGS ...
I call this kind of living ...
a shell of ones own existence ..
EAch of us become shells of our own existence and various points in our life .. many / most stay living there ...
this space / place / this vibration of complacency : living in limbo it almost feels like ... is like ...
deafening almost ..
It’s like a soul trapped inside of a human body in sound proof closed door— screaming .. screaming ... yet the human vessel is like in La la la la land.
and not even aware
It’s like me when I start writing or speaking about one thing and there are a million other words that I am writing or speaking in between the one thing ... and then I sometimes .. not all the time lose the original thing I was originally writing or speaking about
Once upon a time I would of called it lack of focus but it truly is not ...
When I was a little girl
I would have these episodes
unlike any other episode
these were random Moments
usually occurring only
I have no concept or sense of time in these memories
because I was very young
my mother was very much still alive
and she was the one whom would care
for me during these “episodes”
I do not know when these episodes first began
but in my own memories of these experiences
that were “deep” for me even at that time
Although a small child
and articulation of things was pretty dope
even then as these “episodes” were occurring ..
Yes I was reacting
to the experience of the “episodes” humanely : physically ..
as well as emotionally ..
I just wanted it to STOP and it wouldn’t STOP
but even then
when I would scream and cry
for them to make it STOP
even during those moments when all I wanted was for it
to please STOP .. inside .. inside of me ... I was diving / I was probing / I was asking why / what / who / why me ..
my mom was always the one with me by my bedside ...
My dad was in the other room .. listening .. unable to deal .. and leaving it in my mothers most capable nurturing hands to comfort me
There is one night I remember specifically .. because when it was happening something clicked inside of me that caused me to go from whining / crying / trying to verbally explain what is happening .. but in trying to explain it at that time for me <<<that I UNDERSTAND much better NOW ... many many many many many MOONS later >>>> what was happening at that time I described as many radios on really loud all at once ... but of course .. this is what I only “hear” in my head ... writing this down now // sharing it .. opens new levels of gratitude for me towards my parents who had to deal with these many episodes I had when i was little // that all of a sudden one day didn’t happen again till about 2 or 3 years ago — it happened at 3 random times .. very similar to those once upon a time ago experiences once experienced as a small child ...
When it happened this time around .. I was in a different once upon a moment in Time ... I even understand that experience and growth process much more now ... <<few years later>> when this happened to me again ... I was experiencing my lowest of lows in my own life .. unbeknownst to me at the time .. “Saturn” hit my home planet .. “sagittarus” so I was experiencing so many towers crumbling .. many shadow hunters hunting to realize much later that the shadow hunter is hunting itself ..
oh these last couple of years I have been staring at my ugly mirror of every shame / blame / reason / treason / blasphemy / Justice / injustice / unloving .... TRUTH that always labyrinths back to center .. back to me ..
when I found myself experiencing what use to occur to me as a child .. intuitively I knew I was meant to observe in the experience as opposed to dreading the childhood trauma like ordeal I had encountered
When I was little I would have these out of no where random fevers during the night .. I would literally feel like I was on fire .. burning up ... and that in itself didn’t feel great but the fever was not what bothered me .. it was the noise in my head .. I described it as so many radios all at once really loud and some static too .. I would scream to make it stop ...
Grateful am I for my mother ..
Because understanding more so now how truly empathically / energetically sensitive I am .. and have always been ... had she looked at me silently with worry or had she looked at me like if there was something wrong with me .. or that I was crazy .. that could been very damaging to me in many other ways ... I didn’t see it then like I do now ... but during those “episodes” she would comfort me .. and try to help me think of ways I could make it stop ... but I was a stubborn one ... I wanted her to do it for me lol
Even my dad ... he listened .. he believed .. he just didn’t know what the fuck to do so he stayed in the other room .. probably praying I would go back to sleep lol
The reason I would call these sporadic fevers “episodes” it’s because they legit were random and didn’t last long. Remember as a small child I had no real concept of what time it was — night time was night time .. Morning was morning .. and I know for all the “episodes” experienced as a small child I would eventually fall asleep .. and I would wake up perfectly fine in the morning. Sometimes even completely forgetting altogether what happened the night before .. I wasn’t into spirituality like that at that human age .. so I wasn’t pondering the “episodes” in my waking life either ..
but I am truly grateful for my parents not treating me weird because of it or making me feel a type of way .. cause we all hear stories around this globe .. of parents making their kids feel like there is something wrong with them
... and this can apply to anything ..
I’m just saying my parents could of strapped me up and took me to a doc and had them probe me and diagnose me ..
a simple diagnoses would of been like fever / flu causing her to hallucinate lol
That would be cool but I didn’t have the flu ..
When it happened again as an adult ..
I was open to learning
about my own truth and lies
am I crazy ?
what if I am ?
What is really real ?.
<<<<grateful to no longer be in that space of feeling / questioning / exploring / diving ... it’s fun and truly phenomenal to play witness : observer to our own infinite growth / cycles ..>>>>
Years ago I would of never openly written this kind of share of an open letter .. if I would have .. cryptic the open letter would be ..mask of poetry — but this space I am way NOW IN is super DEEP .. CONSCIOUS is Free ...
FREE are seeds
BREATHE in DEEP
GREET YOURSELF ...
madness does help
for it opens your door
To LEARN & DISCOVER
that ONLY YOU CHOOSE
<<and there are many TRUTHS we LiVe as our TRUTH that become our BIGGEST LIES — you might ask how is that ? WHY? excellent questions to always Ask .. ask and he shall receive .. ooh that I do BELIEVE .. for I AM shown this EVERY time .. this constant state of AWAKENING WHOLE .. This state of evolution never ending .. >>>
I am still constantly discovering things
that have unconsciously rooted themselves forming within me this (void) <<misAlign>>
is constant ...
UNDERSTAND there will ALWAYS be more
so keep going
I need some rest
Uncut at its best
If you read to the very end
my LOVE BEAMING FRIEND
Your presence always a blessing in this world
I am learning and growing just like you
I plan to write more about my own understanding of the “radio noise”
it’s all In my head
and the fevers at night
while in bed
in the stillness of the night
If you CHOOSE to never dive and take the time to understand your own fears, pain, feelings, energy, life experiences, depression etc etc etc then what are you CHOOSING?
Namaste and blessings