Sunday, April 29, 2018


I caught it
I KNOW now
WHY this
loss of typing words
had to OCCUR
I was still not seeing something
that was calling out for my
decoder is me
I dare do decree
Insight is me
when I engage inner DEEP
embracing the Creeper in me
that is not granted sleep

I have had some PAINFUL LOSS experiences in my life
LOSS has been experienced by me in various of ways
unfortunate is this that I say
and ONE particular TRAUMATIC LOSS of mine
goes back to this earthly time line
when ALL of my most treasured journals
poetry books
dream books
all these documenting books
that I was so good at keeping since I was 9 years old ...
even the diary I wrote in that started the spree of intense writing for me
when I lived thru
and wrote thru the painful experience
of losing

I AM not there inside of that PAIN
and ANGER train anymore
<<<<< although Up until now --- this trauma for me - could still be triggered somehow >>>>
and it is this HOW???
that I was not seeing
because most certainly I have worked thru my anger and have forgiven the idiot that was in charge of creating such earthly devastation for me - - - for you have no idea what a painful open heart wound that became for me -- felt like the death of my mother and that low blow pain of FEELING so angry for having NO CONTROL over what is going on - like that was the hard pill for me to swallow in losing my mother - -- it was in the accepting that there was NOTHING on this plane of existence that I CAN do to bring this Mother of mine in this life - back to me ...
so ANGRY and bitter I felt deep
and so when the "idiot" had all these priceless gems thrown away as if it were nothing - just garbage  --  I cried and cried and cried oh how for so many years it angered me that I refused to talk about it or mention it - because I would get so emotionally worked up and would feel the pain as if it just happened ... I did not write the same for a very long time...

that passion
that fever
that flame of fire I breathe when writing
you have to see
I just type and type and type
I shall share the process one day
I just have lots to say
there is not  much to it
I just go
and stop when I am done


back to what I was saying
and INFUSING for within me for the HEALING
and unseen behavior pattern that was created long long ago
that I super oblivious to its rippling effects
THANKFUL for my Intuitive DETECT I'VE aligned in LOVING
always desiring the PEACEFUL SOULutION to many of my own constitutions that are brought to my attention that are convoluted and so not even my own

When awareness continuously EXPANDS
limitations become these false teachings we once were told
but NOW we know
and that is all there is to all of this

I realized that even while allowing myself to become distracted and still remain in absolute awareness of what is happening all around - like this 3rd party observer - writing for the wire undercover - - scoping out the scenario - scribes do not take notes - for they make notes.

ANYHOO back to this story unfolding
I share this with you on here
also on Youtube
the only way I can relate to myself
is when i allow myself to just simply
as I am
I am

If you pay attention to my well of life bursting ALIVE - then you already know that I declared that 2018 for me was going to be something outside my own comfort zone and rare - I said i have every intention of getting up close and personal in every way - and obedient I am to the intuitive Guidance I receive that centers within me the Understanding of the importance of my own documentations....

just the other day I was smiling to myself at how much I have grown in my sharing
it feels good

YES back to this story unfolding
tonight I wrote for like a good two hours on this something --- it could of definitely been longer because when I did look at t he time it was after 3 AM and I was shocked to see that time - because I feel like the last time I saw earthly time it was around 11 PM -- so the time did move along - anyhoo what was I saying -- -- yes the healing I have already gone thru and work thru - and then after doing all of that I am able to articulate the process of this INNER PROCESS and HEALING that has just taken place within me...

so in regards to this PAINFUL traumatic experience with losing all of my writings I had gathered up until that point and other items that too were thrown away that could never be replaced = merciless are some waves that play out into existence ---  this trauma for me to HEAL was not an easy deal or pill to swallow -- - - YEARS / YEARS went by....

so I have been tested beyond belief in experiencing certain smaller incidences that can trigger that traumatic loss of an experience that was very painful for me - - and so MINDFUL is me - - for I do not want to live in pain - I would much rather get thru the shit and move the funk along - - - that song always will be most appealing to me and definitely for me...

so Tonight when this loss occurred -- I caught it quick - but I found myself feeling Hurt by it - so immediately I had to check myself - I love starting with the question WHY? and it was because I was really diggin everything I wrote that I know is mine and lives inside of me - - -but the annoyance level of having to redo everything - and how often that this happens to me - -- well this has been something of a trigger that I am thankful to be mindful of and share with you all...

so boo hoo I lost my writing
I even wrote about it on my blog
and then I took a chill pill out from doing that task at hand that I was a moment ago excited to get back into my automatic zone of writing - but boo hoo me - I clicked the wrong thing and lost all Iwrote - I attempted to save it - I really did - but it was gone...

and something that I typically do not do
I caught myself DWELLING on this too
and clarity still had not hit me at this once upon moment in time
I did what I does best
reflective at best
I meditate and ask what I desire to know
silence my inner lands by flowing rad
and just like that
a blast of INNER SIGHT
received like a DOWNLOAD In my mind
I understood WHY on a WHOLE other level why all of that took place
and how that opened the door to CREATE an acknowledgement of a
VIBRATION That I was not conscious of at this time
which is BENEFICIAL to me and my EVOLUTIONARY GROWTH in every single way
no matter how kooky I appear to be
this overly poetic eccentric some repeat
to me
as if I do not SEE myself when I put myself out there on display

In this instant download of INNERSTANDING that I sure AM RECEIVING
I even commented out loud
like OOHHHH I get it NOW - - I see - I see

I may have worked thru the EMOTIONAL LAYERS Of GETTING THRU This particular LOSS and TRAUMATIC experience - but what I Did not NIP in the BUTT was ALL the BEHAVIORS / PATTERNS / THOUGHT PROCESSES that were constantly evolving and being created DUE to this traumatic experience that once upon a time had occurred.

I caught myself real quick beginning to get overwhelmed with this feeling upset and disappointed kinda feeling
but spirit was revealing to me something
Do you SEE?
the part of me that GIVES UP you SEE so that I WON"T get overwhelmed in my EMOTIONS - further creating explosive oceans of unexpressed feelings that I never got the ability to
tell myself with care

I NO longer wanted to do the ACTIVITY that I was just a moment ago excited to do - and because what I was working on got lost somehow - - - I now loss the drive some how???
further letting myself down?
Isn't that like the fool coming back in town ??

It is like with any addiction
there are many layered parts to one addiction
and each part needs to be undressed

there are so many things that I am seeing in the air around me
that I could only imagine the entire stripping revealing truly what exists before me

this air I breathe
interwoven within the air
I see things there
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